Are you getting enough awesome out of the people who surrounded you?
The only way to really figure this out is to make a list. Go ahead and start one now. Write down all the awesome things that people do for you, and all the awesome people around you that you have to learn from.
You can focus it on your work life or your personal life, or both. You choose.
I'll wait. (open a screen now or get a pen and paper and start your list)
.
.
Once you start this list, it will probably grow beyond what you guessed at the beginning.
You start to realize that it's going to take you several days of writing names and letting it sit, to count up all the awesome that's done to you in a year. Once you start to count up the good things, they seem to expand and grow beyond what you would have predicted at the beginning.
(If you did not get out a pen and paper and start on that list before now, I encourage you to open an e-mail draft or sticky note on your computer and give it a start. It's a remarkable exercise.)
If you are having a hard time counting up all the awesome that has happened to you this year, there are two possibilities:
Hopefully, it's a long list.
If it's not, resolve to do better soon.
Here's what you can not do:
People who are truly successful themselves (not the ones scrabbling
like rats on the ladder, but ones who truly feel smart and confident)
often support the success and happiness of others. Find those people and
surround yourself with them. This might mean changing who you have
lunch with – maybe it means that you will choose to have lunch alone! to
get out of the sphere of negative people – or it might mean that you
change your environment (job, room-mates, community) completely. You'll
know.
If they're taking the time to insult you and aren't taking the time
to help, they're probably not worth your time anyway (though tye may be
good at convincing you that they are!)
For some reason this is not well-known in mainstream society, but guess what? If you don't fit in, in one city or small town, you might be just perfect in another! However, if you're surrounded with negative people, they'll just keep telling you there's something wrong with you. Maybe there's nothing wrong with you. Maybe you're just in the wrong place!
As someone who has lived in communities all over the globe, I can tell you that this is definitely true. Communities have different expectations and love and respect different things. If you're somewhere that's not working, well, have you considered trying somewhere else?
It's that simple.
If you want more support, support more.
Look, you don't need to believe me. Try it anyway, as a scientific experiment. Just do it, and see what kind of results you get.
As Dale Carnegie says in his Golden Book:
A great example of this is praising the food when someone cooks for you. It's the way you pay them, by loving the food. It's also how you ensure a continuing supply of it!
So what can you do when you notice something that needs fixing? Praise the opposite. Once I was camping beside a family with a little girl who was eager to please (as many kids are) but who tended to whininess when she was displeased. I made sure to praise her a lot when she was smiling. The result? Every time I came by her camp, she turned on her smile.
Adults work with the same dynamics. Kids are more transparent, but adults work the same!
The only way to really figure this out is to make a list. Go ahead and start one now. Write down all the awesome things that people do for you, and all the awesome people around you that you have to learn from.
You can focus it on your work life or your personal life, or both. You choose.
I'll wait. (open a screen now or get a pen and paper and start your list)
.
.
Once you start this list, it will probably grow beyond what you guessed at the beginning.
You start to realize that it's going to take you several days of writing names and letting it sit, to count up all the awesome that's done to you in a year. Once you start to count up the good things, they seem to expand and grow beyond what you would have predicted at the beginning.
(If you did not get out a pen and paper and start on that list before now, I encourage you to open an e-mail draft or sticky note on your computer and give it a start. It's a remarkable exercise.)
If you are having a hard time counting up all the awesome that has happened to you this year, there are two possibilities:
- You really don't have awesome people around you – perhaps you are not practiced at putting yourself in situations with those people?
OR - You do have awesome people and things happening around you all the time, but you are not in the habit of seeing it.
Hopefully, it's a long list.
If it's not, resolve to do better soon.
Rx for short lists (not enough awesome)
Now what if your list is not as long as you like? What if you don't have enough awesome in your life?
Here's what you can not do:
You can not make the people around you act nicer or be more awesome.
Here's what you can do:
You can get better at choosing who you surround yourself with.
Choose people who compliment and support you.
People who are truly successful themselves (not the ones scrabbling
like rats on the ladder, but ones who truly feel smart and confident)
often support the success and happiness of others. Find those people and
surround yourself with them. This might mean changing who you have
lunch with – maybe it means that you will choose to have lunch alone! to
get out of the sphere of negative people – or it might mean that you
change your environment (job, room-mates, community) completely. You'll
know.
Un-choose people who do not support and compliment you.
If they're taking the time to insult you and aren't taking the time
to help, they're probably not worth your time anyway (though tye may be
good at convincing you that they are!)
I am a great believer in the geographic solution: find a community that suits you.
For some reason this is not well-known in mainstream society, but guess what? If you don't fit in, in one city or small town, you might be just perfect in another! However, if you're surrounded with negative people, they'll just keep telling you there's something wrong with you. Maybe there's nothing wrong with you. Maybe you're just in the wrong place!
As someone who has lived in communities all over the globe, I can tell you that this is definitely true. Communities have different expectations and love and respect different things. If you're somewhere that's not working, well, have you considered trying somewhere else?
You can choose to get better at complimenting and supporting others.If you want more compliments, give more compliments.
It's that simple.
If you want more support, support more.
Look, you don't need to believe me. Try it anyway, as a scientific experiment. Just do it, and see what kind of results you get.
Awesome Accelerator: Appreciation
As Dale Carnegie says in his Golden Book:
"Praise every improvement and praise the smallest improvement."He also said,
"Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise."
If you show yourself to be pleased with the efforts of those around you, they'll usually try harder to please you more.
This may be the most effective tool of all for getting more awesome out of people. Notice the effort they make in their work or when they do some service for you, large or small, and talk about it positively, both to them personally, and in front of other people.A great example of this is praising the food when someone cooks for you. It's the way you pay them, by loving the food. It's also how you ensure a continuing supply of it!
It is easy, particularly for analytically-minded science, editing, and engineering types, to note every little thing that needs improvement, and to comment on it.
I have one word for you: DON'T.
If you constantly note lack, you are criticizing, not appreciating. Though you may feel appreciative in your heart, if criticism is coming out of your mouth, you've blown it.Criticism is the surest way to dry up your well of plenty.
Here's an example: I wanted to buy some hostess gifts for a hostess one time while I was out on a shopping expedition. However, I knew that many things displeased her, and her displeasure was shown almost daily on long, terrible rants. I did buy one gift, but trembled in fear that she would find fault with it. A second, probably even more awesome gift, came into view -- something I know I'd love myself -- but as I did not know if this would set off a spate of criticism, I decided against it.As Dale Carnegie says, "Don't criticize, condemn, or complain."
At least, don't do it if you want to keep working with/being friends with/receiving awesome things and services from this person!So what can you do when you notice something that needs fixing? Praise the opposite. Once I was camping beside a family with a little girl who was eager to please (as many kids are) but who tended to whininess when she was displeased. I made sure to praise her a lot when she was smiling. The result? Every time I came by her camp, she turned on her smile.
Adults work with the same dynamics. Kids are more transparent, but adults work the same!
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