How to Take Ridiculous (or not!) Criticism

How to Take Ridiculous (or not!) Criticism

What do you do when you come across someone who is super-critical? Maybe they're criticizing you all the time, or maybe they mainly criticize others around you. Either way, criticism is a toxin. It poisons relationships of all kinds -- work, family, romantic, and friendships. It destroys ambition and productivity. 

Now wait a minute, you say. Constructive criticism can help people grow. Well, yes. In the right dosage.

Just like the right amount of digitalis (from foxglove flowers, at left) is a medicine help to keep someone with a dickie heart alive,

the wrong dose can make them into a case for Hercule Poirot's detective skills (whodunit? Who overdosed the medicine?).

 

Someone who's too critical can make us feel like murderers too. Or suicidal. While small doses of well-thought-out constructive criticism, preferably sandwiched with praise, can do wonders for growth, too much kills.

We don't want it to kill us. Or our careers. Or to dissolve our families.

So when you run into a critic, what action do you take? 

The tales

Ah, it's so fun to talk about the outrageous behaviour of others, isn't it? But it's not good to dwell on it.

Dealing with criticism is a delicate balance. We often feel a need to tell someone, but you need to choose the right person to tell.

The risks of telling your story

The last thing that you want to do is spread rumours about yourself around the office, or tell someone who is going to remind you of this unsavoury episode over the years ahead. There's also the risk that whoever you tell might believe the criticism, even when it's ridiculously untrue. 

But probably the worst consequence of telling stories about people who have behaved horribly to you is that it keeps you in a negative place in your head.

 And that's the worst consequence of all. Let them do what they want to your body, but don't let them take your freedom!

The most crucial thing in any human interaction is your freedom. Nobody can take away the party inside your head, or the peaceful zen meditation place there, unless you give them permission to do so.

First key to dealing with unfair critics: take your freedom. 
You do this by detaching. 
Your emotions are not your thoughts, and your thoughts are not your self... stay centred. Let the storms rage outside, but realize that those storms do not need to change who you are.
Let them say what they will, you stay true to your own honour and integrity. 

Of course, criticism stings worst if it makes us feel guilty. A critic who aims his or her arrow to reinforce our own bad opinions of ourselves will make us feel terrible indeed.

So stop buying into that bad opinion of yourself. 

Or, accept that you have faults, and admit them freely. You can admit that you are not perfect, and still know that you are doing the best you can with your circumstances. If you have that strong central knowledge, then criticism should roll off you like water off a duck. It's not about being right all the time, it's about knowing that you are living with integrity. We all make mistakes, so it's not about not making mistakes. It's about handling the situation with grace, when you do.

if you doubt your own integrity... well then, you are vulnerable to all kinds of meanies. The true armour is on the inside, in a strong spine and heart. If all you have is a bunch of tin wallpaper on the outside, then you're probably going to have a hard time with criticism until you can change that.

And the way you change that is through living well. Through right, strong, and kind action.  

The experiences

What you experience in this life is not just what you experience, physically, but how you choose to process it mentally and emotionally.

Just because someone is a jerk to you doesn't mean that you have to jump into the experience of being a victim. You can choose to look at it from a different perspective.

Instead of thinking "that person is saying mean things about me," you can think, "I wonder what it is inside that person that makes them be so critical of me?"

 If you switch the focus away from living inside your hurt feelings, and decide to act like a detective, you can handle the situation with aplomb and skim along the top of the sewage barrel instead of getting buried in it.

Ask yourself these questions:

1. Does the criticism have any merit? (if so, admit it) 

2. Is there something I need to remedy or apologize for? (if so, do it)

3. What is this person's motivation for criticizing me? (You may not nail that one down, but it is probably based in a fear that is related to their own worries or insecurities. e.g. if they're your manager and they're worried that your poor performance will reflect badly on themselves. Or they're your colleague and they're worried that your great performance will reflect badly on themselves by comparison! Or maybe they are just a person with ridiculous paranoias who tries to control everyone around them because they're afraid of bad things happening.) 

4. Do I need to do any damage control with other people, or can I ignore it?

5. Does this person criticize a lot of other people?

6. If the criticizing is chronic: Can I remove this critic from my sphere?

Considering the source

While travelling and staying with various hosts and families, we've had the chance to observe various behaviours, some great parenting and living strategies, and some weary people who are struggling along. 

A sad thing is that people who feel powerless to create a better situation often seem to lapse into a sort of endless complaining criticism.

Sometimes, these are people who have not enacted sufficient boundaries for the circumstances in their lives, or they have not felt able to enforce consequences. This is one you will often see with parents with whiny kids. They fail to set rules when the children are young, and then they never really get around to changing that situation. At some point they may realize that they have to up their game, but they lack the will and intelligence to enforce consequences, so what we hear is the parent telling the kid what to do, the kid not doing it, and then the parent complaining about it and criticizing the kid.

The only end for this is one of those teenager relationships where the kid gets out of the house as soon as they can find the means to do so. The problem was, the parent lacked the spine and certain integrity in the first place. Everyone suffers.

The exact same situation occurs when people feel powerless in the workplace. Dissatisfied workers, who feel that they are not able to create the optimal situation at work, complain. 

This might be a manager who doesn't know how to make explanations clear. It might be an administrator who tries to communicate her needs to do her job but feels ignored by the people she works with. 

It might be a teenager, a child, a senior citizen, or a parent who doesn't feel listened to. If you study up some listening strategies, and then actually spend some time sitting down and actively listening, does the complaining stop? Try it.

Be a detective: try to figure out what the fear or insecurity is that rests behind the complaining. If you can find it, you may be able to stop the complaining.

With humour and honesty

Another classic symptom of a person who feels powerless is their complete lack of an ability to laugh at themselves or their situation. And yet, one of the best ways to defuse a bully is to "let the button fall off." (TM: Chris Leigh-Smith, Tao of Peace) If they start pushing one of your buttons and criticizing you in a way that really bugs you, laugh. Agree with them.

They say.... and you think/say....

"You're really fat." ... "Yes, I could afford to lose a few pounds."

"You're really stupid." ... (actually, I'm way better at math than that guy. Obviously he's feeling insecure about himself and taking it out on me.) "I'm sorry you feel that way!"

"You eat too much sugar." (Yes. I do. It's delicious, but it's really getting in the way of my weight loss goals. I am making a choice to eat this way, though. Choice is great, isn't it?)

"You didn't do that project in the best way." (Well, there were these 800 factors that got in the way, most of which were nothing to do with me... I know that I managed the situations that were controllable with the best integrity I could at the time...) [Or, of course, if you know that you were slacking off, you might feel moved to react to that criticism. But is that the best course?] Perhaps say, "I would love it if you could write down some feedback for me." Or, truthfully but mildly defend yourself: "There were about 800 factors that went sideways on us. Do you have some good suggestions for how we might have handled them better? We could sit down to discuss them."

"You're lazy." (Option 1: Sigh. They're right. I really should light a fire and get going with things. "Thanks for cracking the whip!") (Option 2: Unfortunately, they haven't seen 90% of what I have done... is it important for me to show this person how hard I have worked? Or can I ignore them and their unjust criticism?)

"You drink too much." *** Red alert: people who really do drink too much are very unlikely to take this criticism with humour. Instead of criticizing such people, get out of any situation where you would have a reason to say this. 

If someone says it to you, and you know it's not really true, or, you don't really care about that person's opinion anyway, then you can say "I'm sorry you feel that way." Or if you value their opinion, then you might say, "do you really think so? Can you tell me about my behaviour?" 

"You dress terribly." (Isn't it nice that she/he cares enough about me that they want to help me be more like themselves? This one, at its root, comes from a place of caring, as misguidedly as it is stated.) "What changes would you suggest I make?" (You never know, you might learn something.)

Your reporting needs work. (Hm, perhaps they're right. How can I improve this aspect of my career with least embarrassment and greatest effect.) [Workers who feel insecure in their positions very rarely are open to change. Only intelligent and brave people who feel secure in their situation are willing to go out on a limb to improve.]

That is a key, too. The curiosity and self-esteem to realize that you might learn something. You need to be willing to be strong enough to be humble. Are you willing to confess you cat do you do when you come across someone who is super-critical? Maybe they're criticizing you all the time, or maybe they mainly criticize others around you. Either way, criticism is a toxin. It poisons relationships of all kinds -- work, family, romantic, and friendships. It destroys ambition and productivity. 

Now wait a minute, you say. Constructive criticism can help people grow. Well, yes. In the right dosage.

Just like the right amount of digitalis (from foxglove flowers, at left) is a medicine help to keep someone with a dickie heart alive, the wrong dose can make them into a case for Hercule Poirot's detective skills (whodunit? Who overdosed the medicine?).

Someone who's too critical can make us feel like murderers too. Or suicidal. While small doses of well-thought-out constructive criticism, preferably sandwiched with praise, can do wonders for growth, too much kills.

We don't want it to kill us. Or our careers. Or to dissolve our families.

So when you run into a critic, what action do you take? 

The tales

Ah, it's so fun to talk about the outrageous behaviour of others, isn't it? But it's not good to dwell on it.

Dealing with criticism is a delicate balance. We often feel a need to tell someone, but you need to choose the right person to tell.

The risks of telling your story

The last thing that you want to do is spread rumours about yourself around the office, or tell someone who is going to remind you of this unsavoury episode over the years ahead. There's also the risk that whoever you tell might believe the criticism, even when it's ridiculously untrue. 

But probably the worst consequence of telling stories about people who have behaved horribly to you is that it keeps you in a negative place in your head.

 And that's the worst consequence of all. Let them do what they want to your body, but don't let them take your freedom!

The most crucial thing in any human interaction is your freedom. Nobody can take away the party inside your head, or the peaceful zen meditation place there, unless you give them permission to do so.

First key to dealing with unfair critics: take your freedom. 
You do this by detaching. 
Your emotions are not your thoughts, and your thoughts are not your self... stay centred. Let the storms rage outside, but realize that those storms do not need to change who you are.
Let them say what they will, you stay true to your own honour and integrity. 

Of course, criticism stings worst if it makes us feel guilty. A critic who aims his or her arrow to reinforce our own bad opinions of ourselves will make us feel terrible indeed.

So stop buying into that bad opinion of yourself. 

Or, accept that you have faults, and admit them freely. You can admit that you are not perfect, and still know that you are doing the best you can with your circumstances. If you have that strong central knowledge, then criticism should roll off you like water off a duck. It's not about being right all the time, it's about knowing that you are living with integrity. We all make mistakes, so it's not about not making mistakes. It's about handling the situation with grace, when you do.

if you doubt your own integrity... well then, you are vulnerable to all kinds of meanies. The true armour is on the inside, in a strong spine and heart. If all you have is a bunch of tin wallpaper on the outside, then you're probably going to have a hard time with criticism until you can change that.

And the way you change that is through living well. Through right, strong, and kind action.  

The experiences

What you experience in this life is not just what you experience, physically, but how you choose to process it mentally and emotionally.

Just because someone is a jerk to you doesn't mean that you have to jump into the experience of being a victim. You can choose to look at it from a different perspective.

Instead of thinking "that person is saying mean things about me," you can think, "I wonder what it is inside that person that makes them be so critical of me?"

 If you switch the focus away from living inside your hurt feelings, and decide to act like a detective, you can handle the situation with aplomb and skim along the top of the sewage barrel instead of getting buried in it.

Ask yourself these questions:

1. Does the criticism have any merit? (if so, admit it) 

2. Is there something I need to remedy or apologize for? (if so, do it)

3. What is this person's motivation for criticizing me? (You may not nail that one down, but it is probably based in a fear that is related to their own worries or insecurities. e.g. if they're your manager and they're worried that your poor performance will reflect badly on themselves. Or they're your colleague and they're worried that your great performance will reflect badly on themselves by comparison! Or maybe they are just a person with ridiculous paranoias who tries to control everyone around them because they're afraid of bad things happening.) 

4. Do I need to do any damage control with other people, or can I ignore it?

5. Does this person criticize a lot of other people?

6. If the criticizing is chronic: Can I remove this critic from my sphere?

Considering the source

While travelling and staying with various hosts and families, we've had the chance to observe various behaviours, some great parenting and living strategies, and some weary people who are struggling along. 

A sad thing is that people who feel powerless to create a better situation often seem to lapse into a sort of endless complaining criticism.

Sometimes, these are people who have not enacted sufficient boundaries for the circumstances in their lives, or they have not felt able to enforce consequences. This is one you will often see with parents with whiny kids. They fail to set rules when the children are young, and then they never really get around to changing that situation. At some point they may realize that they have to up their game, but they lack the will and intelligence to enforce consequences, so what we hear is the parent telling the kid what to do, the kid not doing it, and then the parent complaining about it and criticizing the kid.

The only end for this is one of those teenager relationships where the kid gets out of the house as soon as they can find the means to do so. The problem was, the parent lacked the spine and certain integrity in the first place. Everyone suffers.

The exact same situation occurs when people feel powerless in the workplace. Dissatisfied workers, who feel that they are not able to create the optimal situation at work, complain. 

This might be a manager who doesn't know how to make explanations clear. It might be an administrator who tries to communicate her needs to do her job but feels ignored by the people she works with. 

It might be a teenager, a child, a senior citizen, or a parent who doesn't feel listened to. If you study up some listening strategies, and then actually spend some time sitting down and actively listening, does the complaining stop? Try it.

Be a detective: try to figure out what the fear or insecurity is that rests behind the complaining. If you can find it, you may be able to stop the complaining.

With humour and honesty

Another classic symptom of a person who feels powerless is their complete lack of an ability to laugh at themselves or their situation. And yet, one of the best ways to defuse a bully is to "let the button fall off." (TM: Chris Leigh-Smith, Tao of Peace) If they start pushing one of your buttons and criticizing you in a way that really bugs you, laugh. Agree with them.

They say.... and you think/say....

"You're really fat." ... "Yes, I could afford to lose a few pounds."

"You're really stupid." ... (actually, I'm way better at math than that guy. Obviously he's feeling insecure about himself and taking it out on me.) "I'm sorry you feel that way!"

"You eat too much sugar." (Yes. I do. It's delicious, but it's really getting in the way of my weight loss goals. I am making a choice to eat this way, though. Choice is great, isn't it?)

"You didn't do that project in the best way." (Well, there were these 800 factors that got in the way, most of which were nothing to do with me... I know that I managed the situations that were controllable with the best integrity I could at the time...) [Or, of course, if you know that you were slacking off, you might feel moved to react to that criticism. But is that the best course?] Perhaps say, "I would love it if you could write down some feedback for me." Or, truthfully but mildly defend yourself: "There were about 800 factors that went sideways on us. Do you have some good suggestions for how we might have handled them better? We could sit down to discuss them."

"You're lazy." (Option 1: Sigh. They're right. I really should light a fire and get going with things. "Thanks for cracking the whip!") (Option 2: Unfortunately, they haven't seen 90% of what I have done... is it important for me to show this person how hard I have worked? Or can I ignore them and their unjust criticism?)

"You drink too much." *** Red alert: people who really do drink too much are very unlikely to take this criticism with humour. Instead of criticizing such people, get out of any situation where you would have a reason to say this. 

If someone says it to you, and you know it's not really true, or, you don't really care about that person's opinion anyway, then you can say "I'm sorry you feel that way." Or if you value their opinion, then you might say, "do you really think so? Can you tell me about my behaviour?" 

"You dress terribly." (Isn't it nice that she/he cares enough about me that they want to help me be more like themselves? This one, at its root, comes from a place of caring, as misguidedly as it is stated.) "What changes would you suggest I make?" (You never know, you might learn something.)

Your reporting needs work. (Hm, perhaps they're right. How can I improve this aspect of my career with least embarrassment and greatest effect.) [Workers who feel insecure in their positions very rarely are open to change. Only intelligent and brave people who feel secure in their situation are willing to go out on a limb to improve.]

That is a key, too. The curiosity and self-esteem to realize that you might learn something. You need to be willing to be strong enough to be humble. Are you willing to confess you could improve your clothes? Your eating habits? Your parenting? Your meeting style? Your reporting style? Your English? If so, then you can approach any criticism with equanamity, and make a decision on a case-by-case basis whether it matters or not. Your emotions do not need to be part of this decision

ould improve your clothes? Your eating habits? Your parenting? Your meeting style? Your reporting style? Your English? If so, then you can approach any criticism with equanamity, and make a decision on a case-by-case basis whether it matters or not. Your emotions do not need to be part of this decision.