I set up a relaxing lunch date yesterday with friend Kevin Jepson after a difficult morning schedule. I like thoughtful interesting friends, and Kevin is definitely that. A sailor living in a land-locked place, an absinthe enthusiast, and a supportive husband and friend. A rambling intellectual discussion, I knew, would be just the thing to take my mind off my troubles.
At
one point we started to talk about various narcissists in our lives. I
mentioned that, after years of interactions, I've concluded that, biologically,
I do not think that certain narcissists I know even can see
another's point of view. I actually have come to forgive them because I think
they have a disability. They really, seriously, are unable to understand that
others have rights or needs.
[Note: I forgive them, but this also helps me to set boundaries, once I no longer expect them to see my point of view or care at all what's best for me or anyone else in the situation. Really, it is useful information to have. I wish we taught this at high school:
1. recognize who around you is a narcissist or a sociopath (remember, it's 5-10%, so there are probably some), and
2. change your expectations of them to protect yourself. Behave as usual, be loving and open, but don't expect to lean on them or get help from them, unless there is a benefit in it for them.
3. And do, by the way, then learn to recognize loving, giving people who WILL help you, and make some calculations to spend more time with those kind of people instead.]
[Note: I forgive them, but this also helps me to set boundaries, once I no longer expect them to see my point of view or care at all what's best for me or anyone else in the situation. Really, it is useful information to have. I wish we taught this at high school:
1. recognize who around you is a narcissist or a sociopath (remember, it's 5-10%, so there are probably some), and
2. change your expectations of them to protect yourself. Behave as usual, be loving and open, but don't expect to lean on them or get help from them, unless there is a benefit in it for them.
3. And do, by the way, then learn to recognize loving, giving people who WILL help you, and make some calculations to spend more time with those kind of people instead.]
Then
Kevin said something brilliant:
That's got to be a
tough way to live, doesn't it? I mean, for narcissists, what they observe
constantly doesn't match up with how they think the world should be, in their
heads.
So they have constant cognitive dissonance.
Nothing ever makes sense, so they're constantly trying to calibrate and make sense of the two different things: the world as they observe it, and the world as they're convinced it must be."
So they have constant cognitive dissonance.
Nothing ever makes sense, so they're constantly trying to calibrate and make sense of the two different things: the world as they observe it, and the world as they're convinced it must be."
Wow.
I'm betting that's true. It brings a new layer of pity (or empathy) to me for
the disabilities of narcissism. Imagine, constantly trying to make sense of a
world that you simply can't see clearly? The brain noise must be huge. No
wonder narcissists are always trying to control others. They're just trying to
make an insane world manageable.
It's
seriously a hall of mirrors in a narcissist's mind. Everything must be
confusing. So they distrust, as a rule.
This
also explains something else I was puzzling on -- how is it that benign, joyful
incidents turn into blame-ful, hateful stories when processed through the mind
of a narcissist?
The crazy disconnect of reality and perception explains why narcissists tend to make up stories that seem like crazy distortions of the truth to the rest of us. Their minds do that while they're trying to calibrate the two differing world views.
The crazy disconnect of reality and perception explains why narcissists tend to make up stories that seem like crazy distortions of the truth to the rest of us. Their minds do that while they're trying to calibrate the two differing world views.
This
doesn't make narcissists any less annoying or difficult to deal with, but
recognizing the mechanism of seemingly irrational events can sometimes help
create a better understanding of them, and procedures around them.
All
I know so far is:
1.
If you can get out of a relationship/work team with a narcissist, DO get out of
it. From my reading, it's very difficult to win, and you'll spend lots of
emotional and work energy for a usually bad result (detriment to your career,
destruction of your emotional life and health, projects gone awry, etc.).
2.
Moreso than ever, in negotiations always speak in terms of the benefits to the
narcissist. Whereas in negotiations with normal people, you might use the good
of other team members as a valid discussion point, in negotiations with
narcissists, don't waste your breath (or do, if you believe the seeds can take
root... just don't have expectations of being heard).
3.
Expect radical curve balls of wild fantasy to make things difficult. At least
with this cognitive dissonance explanation of Kevin's up there, these
irrational flights of fancy have some bedrock in reason now
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